Speak Your Love Language
My husband kissed me awake at 4am with a happy Mother’s Day wish. He headed out to do morning milking and told me to keep sleeping. I usually wake up with him to do my morning routine so I welcomed the gift of more sleep that morning.
5:30am I got outta bed and woke up my two oldest to head to the bottling room. Sunday mornings are when we separate cream and make yogurt. There really isn’t a “day off” with homesteading. I still have moments where I question the decision to have a farm! This morning was one of those times. I got to remind myself chores would be done soon enough then I could relax. And I did get a whole extra hour and a half of sleep…yeah I wasn’t fooling my brain. Visions of breakfast in bed and sleeping in tumbled through my thoughts. Then my boys told me happy Mother’s Day cheerfully while rubbing sleep out of their eyes. I was glad to be with them.
It takes about 2 hours to finish the whole process. We often have great conversations while in the bottling room. They get done before me and I clean everything up. Previously, I had asked them if they’d make me whole wheat puff pancakes (they make them so well!) and they were eager to head inside to begin. My heart was full.
When I got to the house I was greeted with more Mother’s Day wishes and I helped chop up veggies for breakfast. As soon as I was done I was pushed from the kitchen saying that I didn’t get to help anymore. Lol
Alma popped back into the house between chores to make sure the kids were following instructions. I got to take a nice long bath and shave (yay! haha) a precious thing for this mom!! When I came out to the kitchen table there was a gorgeous bouquet of fresh lilacs and a stack of gifts wrapped in Christmas paper. The table was set beautifully. Again, my heart was full.
The kids told me Daddy needed to run back out to clean the cows pens and not to wait for him to eat. The puff pancakes were perfect and there was even my homemade berry sauce made and ready to enjoy. My family knows that I go through times of no sugar to get inflammation managed so it was extra thoughtful that they made the breakfast I requested.
When Dad came back in we finished eating breakfast and I opened presents. I received 100% dark chocolate bar…like no sugar at all in it. I was so excited! Everyone tried a small piece and I was the only one who had second helpings lol!
In our family we enjoy unwrapping presents. So the pile of gifts on the table was fun. Upcycled dvds and a game from the local thrift store. It was thoughtful (albeit not on my list) and I thanked my hubby and the kids. He then told them to grab moms last gift. I closed my eyes and opened them to a new lounge chair for sunbathing. Again, not on my list BUT I’ve wanted one for forever! I love getting vitamin D. The rest of the day was filled with time together and I got pampered! It was truly magical.
Now that I’ve shared my fabulous day, you wanna know something? Special events weren’t this way till about 3 years ago. Majority of our married life - Mother’s Day was tearful. Birthdays were tense. And not because of a lack of trying! Oh, did my husband try. The change came once I was honest with myself and him about what my needs actually looked like.
I remember one Mother’s Day he gave me a gorgeous and expensive necklace. He just handed it to me. While I was cooking, cleaning, helping kids, etc. In his mind he had got the perfect gift! And it was beautiful, it’s one of my favorites to this day. Oddly enough I was in tears before the necklace even left the box (and they weren’t happy tears). I was embarrassed and felt guilty. I knew he had spent lots of money. Truly, I loved it. So why was I upset? Deep down what I wanted even more than the necklace was to be appreciated. To be told how dearly I was loved. It was his thought of me and acknowledgment of my efforts as a mom/wife. And I needed that to be verbalized.
Everyone’s love language is unique. What I need is more than likely different than what you do. The formula to discover your own love language is universal.
Communicate.
Remember. The other person you love was raised differently than you! For example. My husband’s mother didn’t like to be acknowledged on special days. She would lock herself in her room on her birthday. On Mother’s Day she’d go for long drives to avoid most everyone. She has her reasons…I’m not here to say what is good/bad. Just wanted to take it into the big picture. His experience with watching his mother shaped much of our married life. That is what he saw as “normal”. So it took a LONG time to convince my husband that I am not that way. I love the attention. I love to be seen. I needed validation. And I have a theory that his mother had similar needs in the beginning, but gave up hoping after so many disappointments. It seems “easier” to give up needs.
But a tugging feeling told me we both needed to figure this out. I did my best to share with him my feelings. You can imagine how hopeless he felt on his end. He later told me how he felt he couldn’t do anything right, even if he carefully planned. It took cumulative hours of talking to figure each other out.
Often before a special day we both will remind each other that there is no pressure. In the past we’d get so worried and stressed that it felt like we’d burst! Now because we ask questions we’ve learned to communicate what we’d like to do/eat/receive. Funny how even just sharing what we want to eat on our special day makes it so much better! (I’m kinda picky with food. If I say I want gourmet whole foods- you better not take me to a restaurant chain! There’s some little ma & pa places we love to go that don’t hurt my gut)
Explore.
Be willing to explore your own heart and mind. I would catch myself hoping he would give me the “just right” gift. Goldie Locks theory. The problem was I didn’t know what the right temperature was!
“Yes babe, I need to to get the right things, do the right things, say the right things…but don’t ask me what those are cuz I don’t know.”
You see the problem here? Not healthy.
Get out a pen and paper and allow yourself to dream. Write down all the thoughts that flow. Is there any negative feedback from your brain? Those negative thoughts are good to listen to. Unresolved trauma could be holding you back.
Compassion.
It’s okay if this takes time. Think tortoise & the hare. Slow and steady wins the race! When things don't go as planned, I still am practicing taking deep breaths. Having that grace or compassion for my spouse has helped me to see the good that is happening. Plus seeing the drops in the metaphorical progress bucket is exciting. I enjoy looking back to see how things have evolved in my relationship with my spouse.
When I have compassion and see the big picture it helps calm me down. When I’m calm I’m happier. And when I’m happier…well the entire household is more peaceful. A wise man once said, “men are that they might have joy.” I believe with all my heart that this life can be joyful and it comes back to choice. I broke free of my cultural norms and found what works best for myself and my family. It’s scary at first, yes. But long term it’s so freeing.
Give yourself and others the compassion you would give a new baby learning how to walk. This is yours (and theirs) first rodeo here on this planet. It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay to fall down. Keep practicing and you’ll get better!
RECAP
Communicate with spouse.
Explore personal needs.
Give compassion to self and others.
You are absolutely brilliant, just like a precious gem. Each of us need that reminder <3 Thanks for being here!
——> big insert. Having needs doesn't mean you get to use others. When it comes to needs they are safe for everyone. If you feel like you deserve something that comes to the detriment of your family - go find a therapist.
Xoxo-
Tasha
